The ‘After I Say Yes’ Anxiety

After all the excitement settles around the proposal, it is common for individuals to experience two types of anxieties. The first type of anxiety is typically associated with anticipation of the journey. It feels similar to the anxiety that keeps a child from sleeping on Christmas Eve. The anticipation of what will be under the tree on Christmas day. Typically considered ‘good stress’; these feelings include anxiety about new family members, blending lifestyles, starting new traditions and spending the rest of your lives together. A sense of confidence, control over one’s life and an eagerness to face these unknowns usually characterizes this form of anxiety.

The second type of anxiety (and focus of this article) is the fear driven anxiety. That unsettling feeling that you are left with after all the excitement around the proposal has settled. This feeling involves less anticipation of what’s to come and marked more by fears of things to come. Doubts, wavering confidence in your decision and/or feeling out of control usually characterizes this form of anxiety. I have even heard feelings of helplessness experienced during this time. Ultimately, this level of anxiety is fueled by the thought that our fears may come true.

So what does this mean for me? The answer to this question depends on some honest reflection. It involves being honest about your fears and where they come from. Is there evidence to support your fears (i.e. a current unstable relationship) or are these fears linked to your childhood models for relationships – your parents? Maybe your fears have to do solely with you. Do you have doubts or lack confidence in your ability to give a healthy relationship the nurturing it needs? Are you able and willing to make the commitments necessary for a successful marriage? Do you find yourself spending a lot of time considering the thoughts and feelings of those outside of your relationship when processing your anxieties? Or, if we dig really deep, are we more excited about the engagement and related festivities than the marriage?

My hope is that the clarity gained from answering these questions will inform your next steps. You will gain insight that will either shift you to the positive feelings of anticipation or enlighten you regarding potential barriers to a successful marriage. The question is not about if you should or should not get married. It is about what do you need to do to ensure that any ‘small’ problem of today do not become the ‘big’ problems of tomorrow. Best wishes!

A New Years Resolution: Do Not Self-Sabotage! (Part I)

Considering it’s the start of a new year and New Year Resolutions are in full force; I found it timely to address the topic of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage is a process that keeps us from sticking to our commitments to ourselves. It keeps us from achieving our goals. It’s a process that causes us to become our own worst enemy. It involves the inconsistency between what we say we want and what we do to get it. The pattern of behavior that expresses the need for one thing without putting supports in place to meet that need. Ultimately, self-sabotage involves the things WE DO (not others) that keeps us from getting where WE SAY we want to go.

This behavior can apply to just about any area of our life. Let’s take relationships for example. We can list ways in which our partner does not meet our needs and yet we do not articulate what those needs are. Or, we get our need met but we are dissatisfied with how it was met. We place demands on our relationships without investing the time and energy it takes to meet those demands. We say we want healthy communication, but continue to engage in unhealthy patterns of communication. We want our relationship to change but are resistant to those same changes.

What about our professional and financial goals? I am sure we all know of the person who wants to start their own business but makes excuses why they can’t. Or, perhaps you know of someone who wants a career change but has yet to apply for a new job. We know of people who want to go back to school but say that it’s too late or that they don’t have time. In terms of finances; we want to save – but continue to spend. We want better credit – but continue to charge. We want to eliminate debt – but fail to set a reasonable budget that will assist in this process.

Lastly, we are probably all too familiar with the sabotaging of our health and wellness goals. We have vowed to lose weight and get to the gym; just to detour to the nearest fast food restaurant in our gym clothes. We know of that person that is probably near their emotional breaking point; but will not seek therapy for support. And we know of the person who knows that something is physically wrong; but will not go to their physician for an examination.

All of the behaviors above are ways in which we prevent ourselves from living better lives. If we are going to stick with some of these ‘resolutions’ and goals; we have to get out of our own way.  Stop being our own worst enemy.  We have to stop talking ourselves out of getting what we want out of life. We have to not only say we deserve better – but actually believe it! 

Happy New Year!

Reciprocity

Sometimes in my practice clients come to me with complaints and concerns about what others are not and will not do for them.  And although many of these concerns are valid; I often have to follow up with the question; “are you willing to do what you are asking others to do for you?”  Many are probably slightly perturbed by this question as their immediate tendency is to want to focus on what others are doing to make them feel the way they do.  Not the other way around.  However, I have found that one will never be satisfied or reach their true potential for happiness if they are in a constant state of asking others for something that they cannot or are not willing provide themselves.

For instance, I have met many individuals who are annoyed – even offended but people who convey distrust of them (particularly in relationships) and yet, they are unable or unwilling to provide trust to the same persons.  I am aware of individuals who want financial security from their partner and yet are unable to provide the same for them (i.e. poor money management, damaged credit, outstanding debt).  I am aware of people who want commitment and yet are unable to commit.  Rather it is physically or emotionally.  I have met individuals who feel entitled to everyone else’s time and yet never seem to make time for others.  All of this is reflective of a lack of reciprocity.  Reflective of an inability or unwillingness to give back something that was given to us.  And sometimes; this is what leads to our unhappiness and frustrations with others.  Not what they are doing; but what we are unable to do.

Ultimately, this leads to two problems: 1) an inability to emotionally invest and support others who are emotionally invested in you and 2) an inability to create and nurture the meaningful relationships that you are seeking from others.  A lack of reciprocity will eventually become emotionally exhausting for those around you.  As loving as one may be, their emotional bank account will eventually deplete if they continue to make deposits in someone who is unable to offers a return.

So next time you make a request of someone related to time, money, energy, things, emotional support, trust, generosity, honesty, cooperation, love and affection (just to name a few); be sure to first ask yourself “am I willing and able to reciprocate this gesture”, “Am I willing to do for them what they are doing for me?”.  If the answer is yes, then you are off to a good start to a healthy and balanced relationship rather it is with friends, family or romantic partners.  If the answer is no, then use that as a learning moment within that relationship and remember that reciprocity is an essential component of any healthy relationship!

Reactive versus Responsive…

Sometimes it can be difficult to manage our emotions.  When things happen that elicits an emotional response; we have to release this energy.  This is especially true when the energy is anger.  When we get upset, angry, bothered, irritated, agitated or whatever other word you choose to use to describe hostile feelings; we feel the need to release this emotion in the form of a behavior.   It is during these times that we have to ask ourselves what do we want from the outcome of the situation.  If we are angered; how do we want this to turn out? “Is what I am about to do (or say) being reactive or responsive?”

Before I continue; let me clarify the different between being reactive and being responsive.  When a person is being reactive to a situation; they are usually functioning off of pure emotion and little thought.  They usually want to make sure the person feels the emotion they are experiencing AND they are not focused on an outcome – just the here and now.  It can lead to saying things that you cannot take back.  Being reactive usually leads to strained relationships, holding of grudges, and are less likely to lead to a productive resolution to the problem or a healthy outcome.  Instead, it usually continues a cycle of negative energy that weakens relationships. 

To be responsive means that you can acknowledge you are hurt and angry without emotionally retaliating toward the other person.  You take time to THINK about how to best approach the problem in a manner that will lead to a rewarding outcome.  An outcome that will strengthen a relationship. An approach that is void of personal attacks.  To be responsive to a situation says “yes, I am hurting but I care for you enough to not hurt you out of my hurt”.  Being responsive communicates a mutual respect; despite feeling wronged.  Although I am aware that being responsive can be difficult; because naturally we want to react; it is imperative for the maintenance of healthy and loving relationships. 

So next time the husband makes you mad, the kids didn’t do what you asked of them, the wife or girlfriend is ‘nagging’, your friend has been unfriendly, your boss/co-worker has not been a team player, your in-laws are overbearing, and your parents just will not let up off the ‘advice’; then I suggest that process how you feel and decide if you are about to be REACTIVE or RESPONSIVE to the situation.  By making the right decision; you will likely feel better about yourself, improve the relationship, and decrease the likelihood of the problem reoccurring in the future.

The Role of Character…

In my profession, people often ask for my assistance with solving their problems.  Of course, most of these problems have to do with various relationships (family, friends, romantic, etc).  When assisting them in resolving these issues, one of the first things I ask is “Is the behavior that’s causing the problem ‘in character’ or ‘out of character’”.  Now most people may wonder what does that mean or have to do with anything.  Rather or not a behavior is ‘in character’ or ‘out of character’ allows us to process (figure out) three things  1) how likely is it this behavior will change, 2) how aware the person is of this problematic behavior and 3) something about the meaning of the behavior.   All of these factors collectively determine our next steps in responding to the behavior.

Let me try to clarify my ‘character’ approach to problem solving in order to make this more understandable and applicable.  If your partner leaves their shoes in the middle of the floor one day (which annoys you) – but they are ordinarily fairly neat an organized; then you may place this in the ‘out of character’ category.  You may 1) figure this behavior is likely to change 2) figure the person is aware of this problem since it is ‘out of character’ and will likely not do it again (or rarely) and 3) figure they must have been tire or just got distracted/busy and that’s why the shoes are in the floor.   However, if leaving shoes or clothes lying around is more ‘in character’ then you may figure 1) this is unlikely or will be difficult to change 2) they must not view this behavior as a problem (making it more difficult to change) and 3) they must not care about how this behavior impacts me or not willing to do anything different.

Some things to consider about ‘out of character’ behaviors is that they are random, situational, or otherwise not part of the persons daily experiences. This usually makes them a little easier to cope with and resolve.   Behaviors that are more ‘in character’ are things that are a more consistent part of a person’s being.  These may be verbally or physically present and are things that have been addressed usually on more than one occasion or at other points of time within the relationship.  They are usually more challenging to resolve (but not impossible).

So if in you are facing a problem with someone involving dishonesty, organization, cleanliness, trust, infidelity, timeliness, drugs, responsibility, etc. then try processing if these behaviors are ‘in character’ or ‘out of character’.  When you decide, use that insight to respond accordingly.  Hopefully, the benefit will be an increase in effectiveness in addressing the problem and less frustration/stressed experienced by the problem.

Our Unconscious Marriage…

In thinking about marriage; most minds shift to dresses, suits, cakes, churches, families, celebrations and money! Probably rarely do we think about what is actually taking place in the mate selection process and how significant that process is to a happy successful marriage. It is important to recognize that when we are selecting a partner – we are selecting someone who we feel compliments some area of our life. We are selecting someone who perhaps fills a void that may exist in our life. Regardless of the reason; we would be naive to think that this is a completely conscious process. In fact, Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. in his New York Times Bestseller, Keeping The Love You Find, emphasizes throughout his book the impact of our unconscious drives as it relates to mate selection.

“Our free choice of a mate is, in the end, a product of our unconscious, which has an agenda of its own. And what the unconscious wants is to become whole and heal the wounds of childhood. To this end, it is carrying around its own detailed picture of a proper match, searching not for the right stats, but for the right chemistry. And what is that chemistry? Nothing more than our unconscious attraction to someone who we feel will meet our particular emotional need.”

 So what is all that saying. Well, it is saying that regardless of what we tell ourselves about what we want and look for in a partner; our unconscious drives is what ultimately determines who we end up with (who we select). Have you ever wondered how you continue to attract the same type of person, or why he/she reminds you of your father/mother, or why something your partner does solicits a reaction that does not always seem commensurate with the initial behavior? If you are able to say yes to either one, or all, of these examples; then you have gained insight into how our unconscious influences our mate selection and relationships.

 So what does all of this mean? Well, I like to think it means that in order to have a successful relationship, we may need to focus less on what our partner is bringing to us and more on what we are bringing to the relationship. What unresolved feelings from our childhood still shapes our relationships, what unconscious influences might our parents still have on our decisions about marriage, and/or what comforts have we yet to experience (deficits) that drive our need to fill that particular gap. Having this internal dialogue or acknowledging these sometimes “not so comfortable” themes exist in our lives does not mean that one is not ready for marriage. As a matter of fact, it is my belief that when one is honest about these drives and motivations can they begin to truly prepare for the journey that marriage brings. This is the person that will be more fulfilled by the marital experience and less frustrated, caught off guard, or discouraged by it. This is the person whose self awareness will not only compliment their marital experience; but also facilitate a healthy marital relationship.

This blog can also be found at Opulent Couturier Event Styling and Planning  http://www.opulentcouturierblog.com/2010/11/our-unconscious-marriage-message-from.html

Mixed Messages…

A little girl and boy are playing on a playground.  The little boy starts to yell at the little girl and call her names.  The next day he pulls her hair and throws stuff at her as he sits behind her in the classroom.  The day after that – he pushes her.  When the little girl tearfully tells her teacher (or her parents) about what happened; she is told “He is just doing that because he likes you.”

 Instead of just telling the little girl the truth (the boy is engaging in inappropriate and violent behavior) we convince the little girl that he likes her.  Not only is this message totally baffling to young girl; it sends a counterproductive message about how men and women should engage one another.  It sends a message to the young girl that violence and/or aggression is an acceptable expression of love and affection.  To the young boy, it sends the message that it is acceptable to be violent and/or aggressive – AND – he does not have to do anything to change it. As a matter of fact, he will learn that others will actually begin to accommodate and make excuses for these behaviors; which further minimizes the need for change.

Now this little girl is all grown up and still can’t shake the belief that when he yells, curses, hits, stalks, kicks, withholds finances or affection – that it is out of love. She continues to make excuses for his behaviors (he didn’t mean it, he’s just stressed, he is a good provider).  All of which sends the message that these behaviors are okay!  The truly unfortunate theme within this scenario is that her need to be loved (and fear of being alone) outweighs her need for emotional and physical safety.

This blog does not just apply to women.  Men also need to be clear about what they need love to look and feels like for them.  They need to be aware that if she is cursing, throwing, hitting, demeaning or otherwise engaging in emotional/physical violence – that may not be love.  However, I will focus on this more for the men in a separate blog – with a particular focus on the use of the ‘silent treatment’ as an emotionally abusive tool! 

In summary, relationships are designed to feel good – simple!  I have never heard anyone say that violence feels good.  Love benefits all involved and yet I have yet to hear how both partners benefit from relational violence.  So if you have (or are) experiencing anything similar to those behaviors listed above; you may want to look at what is preventing change in this area of your life.  You may want to ask yourself if these behaviors are acceptable for you, and if not, begin thinking about how you can create a different path in this area of your life.  There is truth in the saying “if you do what you have always done; you will get what you have always gotten”.  So now you just have to decide what you are going to do different.

Additional information regarding abuse in relationships can be found at the links below.

 http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types of Emotional Abuse

Are Expectations Good for Relationships?

In relationships, expectations can be a good thing.  Expectations set the standard for how you want to be treated.  They communicate what behaviors are acceptable.  As important as it is to have expectations, it is equally important to note how expectations, if not appropriately set, can have an adverse impact on relationships.

When it comes to relationships, we usually set expectations based on what we have experienced in our childhood.  For example, if your parents fought all the time you may set an expectation not to argue in your relationship.  If you grew up with a mother who did everything you may have that same expectation of your partner.  Or, if you grew up with an unaffectionate father you may set an expectation of affection from your partner.  With these conditions in mind, what happens when you do argue?  What happens when she does not cook (or cook well) and he is not very affectionate towards you?  Do you get angry?  Disappointed? Do you try to make them feel guilty for failing to meet your expectations? 

Typically, we focus more on our partners when they fail to meet our expectations instead of how we contributed to the problem.  We do not look at how our expectations may be biased, limited or otherwise counterproductive.  Listed below are three ways in which our expectations are usually flawed.   

Flaw 1: Our expectations are too biased to be realistic.  Yeah, I get it, your mother cooked a home cooked meal everyday, washed and ironed all the clothes, worked and make sure all the kids had a packed lunch everyday.  She was the best!  And you expect the same from your partner . . . in addition to weekly sex.  You don’t understand why she is tired and why she is “complaining” about needing you to help out more around the house.  Well, your mother was not perfect. She was human.  Believe it or not, she got tired, overwhelmed and probably experienced a host of other emotions that you were unaware of.  Our childhood experiences are biased by our perceptions as a child.  As an adult, you might find that your partner and mother have a lot more in common than you think.

Flaw 2: We don’t communicate our expectations.  You knew when you were dating him that he didn’t cook, wash dishes or pick up after himself.  As a matter of fact, you used to enjoy doing those things for him when you met because it made you feel needed.  And yet, you have managed to set an expectation that he will cook, wash dishes, and hang up his clothes years later.  Did you ever communicate these expectations to him?  Did you check in to see if these were reasonable?  Or, do you just get angry when it does not happen and thereby laying the foundation for hostility in your relationship– not to mention preventable disappointment.   Do you recognize how the very behavior you are annoyed by is the same behavior you nonverbally communicated was acceptable earlier in the relationship?

Flaw 3: Our expectations are too broad to be satisfied.  One of the fundamentals of setting goals is to make them as specific as possible.  Vague goals can’t be achieved. The same is true for expectations.  We often make them too broad to be meaningful.  We expect our partners to be romantic, but fail to specify what this means.  Do you want them to be romantic on a daily, weekly, or yearly basis?  And then, what does this romantic behavior need to look like?  We want our partners to be supportive but fail to specify what support needs to look like for you.  When communicating your expectations to your partner, specificity is key.  Being specific and clear will help your partner know what is expected of them and provide you with more opportunities to see how your expectations are being met (if not exceeded). 

In summary, realize that to expect your partner to be just like you is not a fair or reasonable expectation.  It is one that will produce more problems than solutions.  You owe it to your partner and yourself to make sure your expectations are realistic, effectively communicated and specific.  It is great to have expectations of your partner.  It is more important to implement (and not impose) those expectations in a manner that facilitates intimacy and relational growth.

Teaching People How to Love You.

I often hear from men and women, “he does not show me he care”, “she is not understanding”, “he is not romantic”, “she is always fussing”, “he does not understand me”, “she does not get it”.  Regardless of the specific wording; it mostly centers around loving and feeling loved. 

I think people forget that when you are in a relationship (friends, romantic, marriage, etc.) you have to teach people how to love you.  Teach them how to show you they care.  I believe people just assume that others should know what they like and need.  I am not sure if that is always reasonable logic.  I don’t know if it is reasonable to just assume that people will know how we like to be treated.  It is reasonable to assume that people want to be treated well; however, it then becomes unreasonable to assume that one knows what that looks like.  

An example that a friend of mine uses is sharing with her husband how much it means to her when he makes her transitions and chores in the home easier.  Not the flowers, candy, or material things.  But things that makes her life easier.  One snowy morning, she got up to get her daughter to school and remembered that the car seat was in another car (anyone who has dealt with car seats can empathize with this experience).  When she went out to switch the car seat, she realized her husband had already put the seat in her car along with their childs bags – before he went to work.  This was a demonstration of love that she had to teach him.  Waiting for him to figure these things out will only lead to frustration and problems for both of them. 

Vice versa, I am aware of men who had to teach their wives ideal times for conversation.  I know men who say that during sports or as soon as they come home from work are not the best times for conversation.  They had to teach their partners better times for conversation.  She may feel that she is showing love by communicating and engaging her partner, regardless of the time.   However, he feels as if she has no regard for his free time or his need to relax. 

You have to communicate how you want to be treated.  You have to share with your friends what you need from friendships.  You have to share with your family what you need from them to know you are valued as a family member.  You have to communicate with your partner what makes you feel loved and cared for.  People grow up with their own general understanding of love and what it should look like – that is specific to THEM – not OTHERS.  It may serve as a disservice to assume that their experiences will translate to your life in a manner that meets your needs. 

Therefore, avoid waiting for your love needs to get met by trial and error and begin to actively communicate these needs.   This will hopefully allow you to get more fulfillment out of your relationship, as well as, creating a more harmonious relationship.

Holiday Stress

During this time of year, we tend to focus on the Joy of the Season and all the good times to be had.  We eagerly anticipate the time that will be spent with loved ones and the hot meals to be consumed.  However, we pay little attention to how stressful the holidays can be in light of all the good that is experienced.   

Booking trips, making arrangements for visiting family members, spending time with in-laws, meeting new relatives, preparing meals, fulfilling wish lists, shopping in crowded malls, balancing checkbooks, paying bills, attending holiday functions and deciding what to bring to those functions are all stressful events.  Let us also remember that for some, Christmas is a reminder of who is not present this season.  Loved ones who are either deceased, hospitalized, or otherwise unable to participate in the season with family and friends – also including military.  Life does not stop just because of the Holiday Season; therefore, some still have to work, fulfill organizational obligations, raise children, tend to partner or spouse’s needs, and whatever else life throws our way.  All of these situations individually and collectively causes stress that can easily get out of control if not monitored.

This is not written to paint a gray cloud over the holidays.  It is simply a reminder to be sure to take care of yourself during the holiday season.  This may look different for different people.  For some it may mean redefining how they approach Christmas shopping and budgeting accordingly.  For others it may mean realizing that you cannot attend “EVERY” function and graciously declining some events.  It may mean, catering instead of cooking! For a few it may mean implementing and reinforcing appropriate boundaries with the in-laws (this usually takes both partners to implement effectively).  For one or two, it may look like taking time to yourself  to just relax and focus on your needs.  It could look like working out, buying yourself something nice (since we tend to focus on others this season), or just doing nothing at all. 

Whatever the situation, be sure to take care of yourself this holiday season.  Stress has a way of building up and taking over before we realize it.  It is not suprising that people report experiencing heightened anger and frustration during the holiday season.  Our patience significantly decreases and we become highly irritable.  For some, this can also lead to some seasonal depression.  So take care of yourself, balance your obligations and responsibilities so that you can remain jolly during the holiday season!